Out Of His League: 10 Sit-com Babes Dating Sit-com Schmoes
Tuesday, November 03, 2009 1:20 PM
We’ve all seen it before; couples on TV who don't seem to match. Be it a mistake on the part of casting or the producers trying to give the male audience false hope, sometimes TV babes end up with TV schmoes. A recent example of this is HBO's new series, “Bored To Death.” Jason Schwartzman’s character, Jonathan Ames, is an unsuccessful writer who smokes too much pot, drinks too much white wine, and acts like a kid. His best friend is a schlumpy, unemployed, comic-book artist. Yet, Ames has been dating the beautiful Suzanne, played by Olivia Thirlby, who has her shit together and seems like an up-and-coming Upper-East-Sider. Would they really be together in real life? Maybe, but I doubt it. Below is a list that combines cutting-edge science and mathematics to rate various aspects of a TV character based on job, personality, physical attractiveness, etc. Once the characters have a score, we then compare the separation between the two in terms of “notches.”
Rachel Green (Jennifer Aniston) is a beautiful woman and the daughter of a wealthy man. She was popular in high school, and now is a working professional in the high-end fashion world. We’ve seen her on dates with attractive, mature men, yet it’s Ross Geller who ultimately steals her heart. Ross (David Schwimmer) is a whiny, nerdy guy who still loves dinosaurs well into his thirties. While being a paleontologist and professor is honorable and vaguely cool, I doubt Rachel would choose him over a Calvin Klein underwear model (or even Calvin Klein himself).
Notches Out of His League: 5
Carrie Heffernan (Leah Remini) is a grade A M.I.L.F. Add to that her sassy attitude and hints of a tom-boy past, and you’ve got an all around babe. She is nurturing and loving one minute, and cursing like a sailor the next. She may not have any class, but that only adds to her appeal. There is only one problem with her: if she moves in, so does her elderly, grouchy father. She’s not perfect, but even with the unwanted father-baggage, she can pull far better than the husband she has: Doug Heffernan (Kevin James). Doug is an oafish, lazy, UPS deliver-man. He’s flaky with his responsibilities, has no motivation to climb do well at his job, and spends most of the day on the couch. Yes, he’s funny, but he lives in a sit-com (which is like saying a fish is wet). Unless he is literally the king of Queens, I don’t know what Carrie sees in him.
Notches Out of His League: 4.5
Susan Biddle Ross (Heidi Swedberg) was a network executive at NBC back in the day when the Networks ruled TV. She’s a very warm, loving person, has a bright future, and a solid head on her shoulders. She is also beautiful, but not unattainably so. George Costanza (Jason Alexander), on the other hand, is a wreck. A self-proclaimed short, balding, unattractive man, he can never seem to hold down a job. He was living with his parents into his thirties, and still acts like an immature child. His only redeeming factor might be that his best friend is Jerry Seinfeld, and the two are making a pilot for NBC. The fact that Susan keeps coming back to George and wants to marry him might be the ultimate running joke of the series.
Notches Out of His League: 5.5
Although it took him years to do it, and you may not remember that it happened, Fez (Wilmer Valderrama) finally did hook up with Jackie Burkhart (Mila Kunis). Now, let’s get this straight: Burkhart is reaching into the stratosphere of TV character babes. She’s popular, wealthy, and smoking hot. She dated Michael Kelso (Ashton Kutcher), and even Steven Hyde (Danny Masterson). She can have her pick of any guy on the football team, but hooks-up with Fez? Fez loves candy and masturbating. The horn-dog that he is, most of his brainpower is taken up by thoughts or actions related to sex. His speech is hindered, as he is an immigrant and is still mastering English. He is definitely a loser, and his friends total little more than his host family and those who take pity on him. Yet, Fez, more than anyone on this list, gives hope to men everywhere: persistence pays. Also, being a foreigner has its charm.
Notches Out of His League: 6
Cheryl David (Cheryl Hines) is a real catch. She is cute and classy, always maintains her wits, has not let wealth go to her head, and tolerates all of Larry’s shit. She's a former actress, but does not leech off of Larry’s fame. She is several years younger than her husband (and Larry is no suave older gentleman). And, finally, she seems a real fox in the sack. Her husband, Larry David (Larry David), is a typical Brooklyn-ite: neurotic as hell, whiny, blunt, and, at times, inconsiderate. While he has made himself and Cheryl rich many times over, and was the creator of one of the most influential sit-coms in history, their marriage seemed to hold despite that. Whatever it was that did hold them together, kudos to Larry for scoring such a babe, even if it ended in divorce.
Notches Out of His League: 2
This odd couple seems to have evolved into the position they are in. Debra Barone (Patricia Heaton) can be a real hard-ass, but loves her family very much, and works hard to maintain balance. When treated right, a warm center suddenly shines through, and we see what Ray must see. Ray Barone (Ray Romano), on the other hand, is a lazy, flaky little child. He works as a sports reporter for the paper, a job that requires little effort for most men, and most of his time is spent arguing with his mother, father, brother, wife, and kids. Either that, or getting into trouble with them. But, it does seem that at some point in the past (ostensibly, when they first met), Ray did charm Debra enough to marry him, and there was a time in their marriage when they had fun. Whatever the case, now they seem unhappy and ill-matched.
Notches Out of His League: 2
We have all thought about it: who was Gilligan sleeping with? Mary Ann or Ginger? No matter how unappealing he was, six adults stranded together on a deserted island for four years will sleep together. Odds are Gilligan boinked them both. And if that’s the case, Godspeed, little buddy. But honestly, the dim-witted, goofy, and rather unattractive Gilligan (Bob Denver) with the sexy, elegant, aloof Ginger (Tina Louise), or even the All-American sweet-heart Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) is something that would have NEVER happened unless, they were stranded on an island. Truth be told, the one bagging all of the ass was probably the Professor.
Notches Out of His League: 6/7
This is a classic example of marital out-of-leagued-ness: Marge Simpson (Julie Kavner) is hot; very hot. Hell, she just posed in Playboy, and turns the head of every man in Springfield. Furthermore, she is intelligent and an excellent, caring mother. She has infallible morals, and always comes through when needed. Her husband, Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta), is not so hot. Festively plump, to say the least, and stuck in a dead-end job for years, Homer divides his time between Moe’s Tavern, the couch, and the nuclear power plant where he works. Homer is dopey, unintelligent, selfish, and has no problem screwing others over (especially if your name is Ned Flanders). While his personality may not have changed much, Homer did look considerably better when younger, and probably caught Marge’s eye as a result.
Notches Out of His League: 6.5
Ranking right up there with Marge and Homer is the ballad of Lois and Peter Griffin. Lois Griffin (Alex Borstein), is the babe with the wealthy father. Popular in high school, and now gawked over by every guy in town, Lois is certainly a catch. Furthermore, she is active in the community (running for Mayor, once), and definitely present in her children’s lives. She is nurturing, loving, and supportive of her family. The real kicker, though, is her sex drive. As we have seen several times on the show, she is into some pretty kinky things: SM/BD, and doing it in public places to name a few. Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) is your typical blue-collar slob. He is grossly over-weight, and works as a paper-pusher in a beer factory. If that was not enough, he wastes most of his paycheck at the bar with his buds. Peter is selfish, so much so, that at times he is harmful to others. He is unintelligent, unmotivated, and all around unattractive. However, with the aid of his dog Brian (Peter’s version of a Jiminy Cricket), he is not all bad.
Notches Out of His League: 7
While Fred and Wilma Flintstone are a story of their own, the question I want to ask is about Betty and Barney Rubble. Betty Rubble (Bea Benaderet) is the sexiest woman in Bedrock. She may be a typical housewife, but she is sweet, cute, and takes care of her family. Barney Rubble, however, is a regular beta-male with a job at a rock quarry. He follows his best friend Fred Flintstone around like a puppy, and is content with his life as is. Any motivation seems void in his life, and Barney is an all-around happy guy. While this is not a bad thing, I would have to guess that Betty is content with a middle-of-the-road life as well.
Notches Out of His League: 4
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