Do you remember that party last Saturday night? Or better yet…you don’t remember it? It’s all chill, bro. New pictures will be up and tagged, tweets will have been twatted, you might even have some friend requests. And you can be assured, for better or worse, that your intoxicated actions aren’t coming to a theater near you.
You’re relaxing at a beach resort, the beautiful backdrop of a bright moon behind you and a sandy beach in front of you. It’s the perfect time to get drunk on cocktails, strip down to your bare essentials and take a dip in the calm, dark water. It’s also the perfect time for the crystal blue water to be dyed crimson with your blood. Bet you regret those cocktails now.
I guess it’s not so great to wake up to Mike Tyson’s tiger in your bathroom, an untagged baby in the closet, one less tooth in your grill, a naked Asian gymnast in your trunk, and your best friend missing. Darn drug dealers and their ruffie / ecstasy mix-ups - they really need to be more responsible!!
Sometimes when you think everyone is with you, REALLY, you are the only one sprinting through the quad, stark naked, showing off your goodies to a few unsuspecting undergrads…. not to mention your wife and her gal pals.
You somehow managed to piss of your girlfriends, tranny strippers, aliens, and alien-hunters? I think permanent body ink and memory loss are the least of your worries. Seriously, find that continuum transfunctioner – the world is at stake!
Being really, really ridiculously good-looking, obviously you are going to have fans all over your hawt bod… so why not take advantage of it? Experimentation could be fun… I suppose… if you don’t let inebriation warp your standards. I mean really, Hansel? Bald men and midgets?
Waking up next to McLovin….. ENUFF said.
The orange fro, witty tees, and stoner charm seem extra appealing while under the influence. But getting preggy is no bueno. I guess a reformed (/reforming) pothead is better than no baby-daddy. Just make sure he really reads the baby books, puts away any large glass objects, and definitely no more shrooming with your sister’s husband in Vegas. At least E! isn’t live… because morning sickness on TV is gah-ross.
You may be able to throw 10 year old bullies miles into the air and stop moving trains with your bare hands to avoid a tragic accident, but your audience gets indignant when you constantly reek of whiskey and B.O. Try not to hit the bottle so hard, or at least watch the news and schedule when its okay to let loose and par-tay! Is there an equivalent of a D.U.I. for flying?
What else is there to do in the summer besides chill with your friends, maybe enjoy some beers and roll a fat joint? Slide into your bellbottoms, listen to “Slow Ride,” and drive into mailboxes!
